August 10, 2012 by Anna Dagarin
It’s Friday! It’s that time when a beautiful crowd spends five minutes all writing on the same topic and then sharing ‘em over here.
It goes somethin’ like this: Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no take-backing, no worrying about getting it right. Just pouring out your thoughts and your heart.
So, here goes!
Thunder rattles the window panes. Lightning strikes out of the sky. An accusing finger…. The rain won’t be stopped. It lunges down through the trees. Down over the houses. Over everything. It floods the ground until there is no dry left. The rumbling is so loud. It deafens my thoughts, and brings them to a jarring halt in their complicated courses. They are the thoughts that first jump into my head when the storm comes – “Is He angry with me?” I know why I’m thinking He might be. And that only makes it worse. Because I know.
I’v lost connection. And nothing is clear when that happens.
That old flesh, Boy, do I hate it with a fierceness! Why can’t I leave it? Why can’t I embrace the new spirit wholeheartedly. It is SO much better! Yet that old self is so familiar. It’s thoughts and actions – like the back of my hand. When it knocks on the door, it feels so natural to let it back in. Like an old friend. It knows it’s way around all too well. It’s so comfortable. It takes over and before I realize what is happening, I’m locked in a closet, overwhelmed by darkness. Over, and over, and over.
The thunder shakes the house again. It makes me feel so small. So insignificant. And it’s a relief. I wan’t to feel tiny. I make too much of me. I want to stand in the rain and let it wash me away. Till I can’t compare myself with anything. Till I am nothing. Only then can I see what is going on around me. What is bigger than me. Only then can I be molded into something. Only then can He be my everything.
When I realize how truly insignificant I am, I am grateful that He is angry with me. Because who am I that He would even think of me? Yet, He want’s to really connect with me. He searches for the pieces of me that I carelessly lost along my own path and He takes them back. He peels off the layers of rotting flesh. I want him to stretch and push me. And put me in a place where I can do nothing apart from Him. I want Him to do anything He wills in me. Anything to keep me from going back. I shudder when I think of going back. I hate that feeling of being disconnected. I wan’t Him to keep me close, and never let me leave.
All of a sudden the rain ceases. The violent heaving of the thunder has subsided. The world stirs with a quieter, gentler motion. Moving to the widow, I wiggle and wrestle the stubborn old framework up, and hesitantly take a breath. I am very aware that it’s only by His grace that I may breathe. I pray…appealing for forgiveness. I surrender my heart. And I listen. Because He always has something to say, I know. From now on, I will devote myself to listening. And staying connected.
Ok, thaaaaat was a little longer than five minutes. oops…oh well. 🙂